It has now been 2.5 years since I ran away and left you. Of the 11 years we spent together maybe 9 of them were ok. I try to remind myself each day that there was love too, or we would not have been together for such a long time. But lately I noticed I don’t feel anything anymore. As in, I have no emotions anymore. No happy thoughts, no sad thoughts. Just one big flat line.
In those 11 years together I gained so much weight. You liked your woman to be big, you said. But by the time I was so big that I had a stroke and my health was in danger, I decided I needed to lose the weight. So I did. And you must have hated me for taking back control over my life.
How much of a control freak you really were showed when I did not comply to your wishes anymore. You must have decided then to have control over my body the only way you knew still how to. For that last year we where together you forced yourself on me each night, even if I said no. You hurt me. A lot. I don’t know why I was afraid to leave you after the first rape. But I was. Told myself you loved me and maybe had another bad day. That I should not give up that easily. But when I ran away that day, leaving everything behind, you had hurt me to such an extent that night before I really thought I would end up dead if I did not leave you then. The fact I also discovered that day you had married yourself someone 30 years younger than you, abroad, about 6 months earlier, was the trigger I needed to leave and being able to ‘blame’ you for the failure of our relationship.
So for the last 2.5 years this is what I tell everybody if they ask me why we ended up breaking up. Not just infidelity, no ‘the A-hole actually married someone else whilst he was sharing a household with me’. Then everybody laughs. They tell me I must have been blind not to notice. I just laugh with them. Not ever will I tell anyone the hurt you actually caused me.
After I left you I found myself homeless for 6 months. Lost my job too. But that made it easy to hide from you abroad with my friends. I came back stronger. Or so I let everybody believe. I was ok. Fact I lost my so-called cosy life, my job, my home and all my money, then rebuilt my life, a new career and business and now look awesome. People just say ‘hey look at her go.’
Now I’m the weight I was when I was 16 yrs old. Which for someone who is way over 40 is not a bad thing. Men seem to think I don’t look a day older than 35. But I lost the weight cause I was to choked up to eat anymore. Still am.
I did not get involved with any other men after you anymore. Until last Tuesday when I did have sex again. I don’t know why. First I did not want to, and then I was just to shy to. But this guy who is 20 years my junior was so persistent. He likes me. Maybe him being younger made it easy for me. I saw it as an experiment. My body gave all the right signals but it was not me there. It felt like I was acting the whole thing out. The guy was sweet and tender, very caring. No complaints. But I just felt no emotions.
It wasn’t until the next day when these memories came back of our last year together. Seems I’ve been trying to forget that last year. It’s the reason why I have been acting out my life like I have been. It’s the reason why I thought I should write it down and let it go once and for all. Move on with my life and hopefully the feelings will come back again too.