I don’t know how to heal

I don’t know how to heal

I don’t know how to heal

I hope to God this makes me feel better because alcohol isn’t working anymore.

Two and a half years. Not a short amount of time nor a lifetime together. Enough to hurt though.

When I met you I felt so lucky. I had never had a man tell me the things you did and fall so easily in love, but loving you was that easy. I initiated the break up, I thought we needed it. We weren’t in a good place at the end and now a month on the pain and rawness is only coming to me now, hitting me full on that we are not together.

Know what scares me the most to be honest? The idea that I am replaceable. That you will find someone you could love as much ( heaven forbid or more) than me. That you will tell her the same things you told me, replace the memories of us with new ones of her, your family will adore her as much as they did me. That idea hurts the most. Being so simply replaceable.

I’m really trying not to be that ‘crazy ex girlfriend’. I just didn’t quite realise how hard it would be not being able to talk to you whenever I wanted.

I hope I feel better about my choice soon, I really do because my heart and chest literally hurt at the thought of you, I never knew they could.

I want to wish you well, and hope you’ll find happiness one day but I won’t mean it – not yet anyway. Hope I will but for now I want to think you might not be dealing with this as easily as you look. Who knows, but its that hope I’m clinging to at the moment. I don’t want to feel we were that easy to throw away.

I never knew what it was to love someone deeply, completely and all consuming. Who knows – we might be a “Rohin and Sarah”.

I am sorry, I hope I see you down the road, you meant more than I knew.

I love you deeply Captain BeanHead.

Lady Smigglebottom.

1 Comment

  1. M 6 years ago

    I know this is an older letter, but it makes me smile tearfully at the nicknames..
    They seem so intimate, and yet soon it’s all discarded, as one moves on.

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