If what you were reading were my attempts to start this letter, you’d be tired of reading it already. I’ve certainly erased more than I’ve actually written. So imagine the words that were lost. I think my difficulty in beginning this letter was partially to blame on the obvious not knowing what to say. Luckily for me, you’ll never read this, so in part the burden is some what lifted. I’ll begin with the obvious. The apology. I’m sorry for all that I did wrong to you. & though as I sit here, I can think of numerous individual apologies that I should make, no one wrong doing stands out anymore than the other. In short, I was simply not a good person. In all honesty, I may never be.
I’ve come to the conclusion that some people don’t change. Whether or not I’m one of those people, I long to find out. This apology is open ended. Because I know, that even though I’m apologizing for every instance of my wrong doings to you, certainly you’ve endured some hardship because of me that I’m still clueless to. That’s why this apology will never be enough. Now, I wasn’t all to blame. Part of the blame goes to my immaturity, but certainly you should know that you weren’t always guiltless either. But that’s neither here nor there. I forgive any wrong that you may have caused me purposely or indirectly. If your memory serves you as well as mine serves me, we both have grounds for some apologizing. But my goal isn’t to force any apology. My goal for this letter is to simply be done with it.
When I first graduated, I really didn’t think of any of this much at all. Besides occasionally, I never really thought about you. Certainly you weren’t forgettable! I think I was just trying to find myself somewhere else (or what I thought was myself). Lately however, I can’t seem to not think about you. The crazy thing is, idk what to remember. It all seems like a haze. I haven’t heard your voice in so long, yet every once in a while, it whispers in an ill forgotten memory, of which I have many. In my dreams, rather nightmares, I see you vividly. Almost as if you’ve never really left my presence. Even though we both know you were never really here. It all seems so hard to comprehend, let alone write about. Besides the apology, I never really thought about what’d I’d say to you if I ever got the chance.
If I had any choice, I’d just pick back off where we left off. Like the conversation never ended. Even though that’s impossible. Time and circumstances won’t permit that. & I understand. I guess I just wanted to tell you I still think about you. As I’m sure you already know. & I like to believe you think about me too, regardless of how unrealistic that is. Still its what I do. This part is where I’m super lucky you won’t actually read this. In my reoccurring dreams, we’re together. & that feeling is indescribable. Then I wake up to reality and I remember the truth. Our truth. When I let my mind wander, I imagine us together happy and successful, full of life and vigor. Making memories and just having fun. Certainly sex. Which I deff miss. Ohhh I never thought I’d miss something so wrong so much. Even now when I think about it, my chest gives me this feeling. The same one I felt when I touched you and you told me not to. Its hard to describe. I won’t bother to try. That was a bit forth coming… But now that feeling is replaced by emptiness because I’m afraid I won’t find it any other place. I’m almost sure.
Well this has gone on longer than I anticipated, so I’ll wrap it up. I hope you’re doing well, & that you’ll do better. I wish nothing but success and blessings to you, your company, and all of your endeavours. I pray that your life will be filled with all the experiences and memories you wished for. & most importantly I pray that you won’t be so hard on yourself, as I know you are. Lastly, I thank you for everything. I’m glad the universe allowed our beings to meet. And if they allow us to meet again some day, I pray that next time it won’t take so long. Farewell. Goodbye if ever.