I’m not writing this to attack you, or put you through any more hardship and pain. I’ve had a lot of time to think about everything, and I find the conclusions I’ve come to hurt more than your absence. What haunts me the most is how we parted with you shouldering the blame for everything. Especially after all of the insanely hurtful things I said, and put you through, those last few months.
You have every right and reason to be proud of everything you’ve accomplished so far. You had every right and reason to “act selfishly” in pursuing positive and beneficial things for yourself. In retrospect, I can see how small, seemingly inconsequential things eventually had a “domino effect” on our relationship. Perhaps, at one time, I would have been content to say the issues lie in that you changed. However, I’ve come to realize, the problem was that I *didn’t* change *at all* over the course of nearly 3 years with you.
I completely stagnated to the point of a dead stop, and had a mental breakdown in the process. There’s nothing to take pride in with that kind of behavior. I’m ashamed of myself; of my actions, and the things I said. I regret being oblivious to the damage I was causing more than anything. I know it counts for little, if it counts for anything at all, but I’m truly sorry for all of the bullshit you put up with from me.
I know it stands in contrast and opposition of my actions and words, but I still care about you and your well being. I’m glad to see you happy and doing so well. I also understand if you don’t wish to hear from me anymore. I’m not inclined to argue with you in the least, and I understand if it’s better things stay as the have been. It would almost certainly be to my benefit to heed your advice and “let go”, including of care and concern.
Well, then why am I blathering?
I can’t go back and undo anything I did. I can’t undo things you didn’t deserve me doing to you. I can’t undo the things I said. I most certainly can’t undo the way I made you feel. Truly, I deserve any guilt, shame, and pain I experience from this.
But I have learned greatly from this introspective period. I’ve changed in ways I couldn’t change for you, and, while I’m grateful for those changes, I regret I couldn’t do what I needed when it mattered to someone more than just myself. Probably the biggest thing is being sober. I’m not going to list things, because it really doesn’t matter. The reason I’m bringing it up, and the reason I’m writing this letter, is to thank you.
Because, in knowing you, I learned so many things, and was exposed to so many new ideas and concepts. Because, ultimately, you did break me, but it needed to be done for something better to take hold. Granted, it would have been preferable to “break” myself through sheer will and effort, as you had done for yourself, but I am nonetheless very grateful for the change that I resisted in such a vehemently corrosive manner. Many of the changes I’m *willfully implementing* have, large or small, been inspired from you and your example. Again, you’ve inspired too much to list, but I’m grateful of everything you’ve helped me with; either consciously, or unconsciously.
That’s all I have to say. I’m grateful for your example in showing me the right way to do a great many things; too many of which I, regretfully, failed you in implementing when it mattered. As such, I graciously accept any ill will and resentment you hold for me. I earned every bit of scorn I have coming to me, and I can’t say I blame you, or don’t understand the position of wishing to pound me into dirt. I apologize deeply for every bit of your time, effort, money, and emotions I wasted through my inability to be a functioning, decent human being.
With great humility, I ask your forgiveness.
With that same humility, I accept if it should never be given.
I at least wanted to attempt to apologize for everything I’d done.
I’ll leave it at that. Your call from here on out.