I am writing this online because the chance of you finding this is slim to none. I could text you (my phone has saved your number under “Frequently Contacted” because of how often you had me text you, even after almost a year), but last time I did that, all I heard was manipulation. I know this is just verbal throw up. All of my thoughts become a jumbled mess when I try to express myself to or about you, but I need to get this out there. I have been trying for a year and nothing makes it better. No amount of therapy, talking, crying, screaming, alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, amitriptyline helps keep the nightmares and memories at bay. So here it is, the truth…
I miss you. Well, I miss the first you. The person I met at that week long party my co-worker/your best friend threw. The person who convinced his best friend to invite me to the party, to text me the first night asking if I was still going, the person I woke up next to the next day who walked me to my car to ask me on an official date. I miss the man who took trips with me all last summer; Davenport, Metropolis, Tampa… We did everything together. I miss the man that became my best friend, my confidant, my lover. I miss the man who would stay awake until 5AM with me because all I had was the summer and then I was moving. I miss paint fights, picnics, corn mazes, bon fires, fireworks, movie nights, canoe trips, cliff jumping, fishing, home video showings…
Why did you change? Three months of perfection, and then the second I moved to Tampa for college it was a horror movie. Even when you would fly me home, we were constantly in a fight. Whether verbal or physical, it hurt all the same. I do not understand why everything got so bad. I was constantly faithful, completely in love with you, yet what was I to you? A toy you could control and manipulate? Someone to keep you occupied while you finished college?
Why me? Why did you have to do that to me?
I was so young, so careful and cautious.
Did you know I was weak when you met me? Did I make myself too vulnerable to you? Or did I sincerely do something wrong?
But what I want to know more than anything, what I cannot help living without knowing is, did you sincerely ever love me? Because it seemed like it for the summer. After that, I felt like your worst enemy; I felt like I was someone you kept close to you just to beat on.
I so badly need to know what was real and what was fake. I need to know the warning signs so I never fall into that trap again. I cannot go through that again. I barely made it out the first time.
Regardless of the answers for all of those questions, you have to know I loved you. I still love you. Sincerely, with all of me. I would never wish anything bad upon you. I only want you to succeed in business and thrive in live. I hope you find yourself a girl, one you hopefully treat better than you did me. I hope you get that family you always wanted, a Matthew and a Grace. I hope you work for a successful company, and move to the south like you dreamed about when I knew you.
But most of all, I wish you happiness because I know you lived a life plagued with the polar opposite until I met you. And I wish you never lose that uncontrollable smile, the one that made me fall in love with you over and over again.
S.E.J.S. (Your Gorgeous)