It’s been a long time since we spoke or had a conversation. Almost three years I believe.
Everything we had was edgy, irresponsible, poisonous and addicting.
My fondest memories of us are how alike we were in hobbies and opinions. I guess that’s why when I was in my final year of high school and you were the young, adorable Geography teacher we would end up as friends. It was fate. Fast forward a month or two out of high school and the flirty texts happened, the raunchy dinner dates and wine fueled evenings where I understand now, I was only providing you company. Why did you lead me on? I remember the exact moment I realized I was in love with you. It was a morning after I had stayed the night and I was standing in the sun in your garden with your t-shirt on and you came up behind me and gave me the warmest, most lovely hug 18 year old me had ever received. I know you loved me, but because of HOW we knew each other we could never be open with our affair which only made things horribly confusing for the both of us.
One year this continued on for. I began University but I was so utterly distracted by your chaos in my own head I couldn’t make friends, study properly or live a normal reckless 19 year old life without you flooding my thoughts. I have memories of Saturday nights where we would cook something delicious, you’d kiss me on the kitchen bench and laugh giddily at other peoples gossip til early hours of the morning when we’d confide in each other about life goals, travel plans and share stories from our past until eventually we’d fall asleep in each others arms. It was our own little world and I was completely engulfed by your love. The morning would come and you would usher me to leave, get in my car and pretend like the night before did not matter – at the time I blew it off because I told myself “He’ll come around”, “If we just keep this up…he’ll realize he loves me too”.
It never happened, our affair ended because you didn’t know what you wanted. You lead me on and you became my first love. You took my virginity and crushed every emotion I had. For a very long time I felt so alone and even wanted to die at some points because I couldn’t understand what type of person could give themselves to someone like that…and then just leave.
Three years later and your engaged and have a newborn baby and I have a new beautiful partner. Time heals most. Your fiance is a girl I went to school with in the year above. At least you committed to one of us. I wonder if you’ve told her about me? You got your family and I am truly happy for you. But, I hate you; I wish things ended nicer and calmer. We still could have remained friends. I only wanted the best for you. You were my first love, but also the person who ruined everything for me. I don’t regret a thing because you made me tough and gave me a good dose of real life adult emotions.
I hope we meet again soon. I hope you will smile at me and introduce me to your family. I will say how lucky you are and that I wish things had been different for our friendship.
I hope your well and still think of the times we had – because I do.