I have no idea why after 18 months or so I am writing this, maybe this is cathartic, purging you or the thoughts of you from my mind, though it’s a struggle to ever not think of you entirely, the difference is its now less and less each day and not constant as it was at first. I guess the quickness in which you moved on meant that all feelings you ever had for me was lost, that to me is the saddest part as we can’t even be friends, though I am man enough to be able to stand up and say a lot of what occurred with the breakup of our relationship was of my doing. Though I do feel it wasn’t all just me, we must all hold account for things we say in anger and in hate.
I have many regrets in my life, now I see in retrospect that I could and should have got the help with my past, I think I used you as my emotional crutch instead of facing up to my childhood, so when I did start counselling, it was easier to not commit to it whole heartedly as I had you. If I had gotten the help fully when I needed it, who knows we may still be together and instead us holding grudges we would have talked. Relationships are fragile at best and heartbreak seems inevitable for all of us, I won’t and can’t say that you didn’t break mine as you did, it seems that on this occasion it’s not healed as previously with other people, however none had touched my heart as deep as you and I am now beginning to realise and understand all too well, none ever will.
I am under no illusion that by writing this that you will suddenly see that we made a mistake ( I know I did) and come back to me, the main reason for me writing this is to exorcise this heartache and help me move on. I have attempted to have relationships with other women, however these never seem to get off the ground, maybe I am always comparing them to you. I think I have read or heard this saying or words similar but I understand its meaning all too well, truest love never dies a natural death, it dies purely because we don’t know how to replenish its source or its too difficult to work it out, it dies of blindness, ignorance, betrayals, it dies of illness, of wounds of weariness. I was never one to patiently pick up the broken fragments of my heart and glue them together again and tell myself that my mended heart was as good as new, it is not…what is broken is broken and I would rather remember as it was, at its best than see the broken pieces trying to be whole.
I want to add, no need to add that I do feel whereas you may believe you tried to understand my past and how my childhood would influence my present, I don’t think you could fully understand how living in care homes and the emotional and physical abuse I survived growing up would give me poor coping skills, though I will thank you for trying to understand me and coping with the fallout that occurred in our relationship as a consequence. I am truly sorry that things spiralled as they did. So life goes on as the saying goes, I am coping and appear to have moved on, though I can’t lie, its being difficult but I will say hand on heart I never truly loved till you gave the grace to love you and you will always be the love of my life, the light that guided me out of the dark, I will always miss your illumination.