It has been harder than it should be

It has been harder than it should be

It has been harder than it should be

LTME-postLenny, 21.09.16

Like many people these days, we didn’t meet at a workplace or through a mutual friend. We met on Tinder. Looking back now, that was a major red flag. I shouldn’t have expected anything serious to come from it and I didn’t at first but I did eventually.
Shame on me for that.
We went on our first date and you were so charming. How you laughed and how you held my hand, I was helpless. I couldn’t resist you.
During this time, you were going back and forth between here and Kingston. When you came back after being gone for a couple of weeks, I was so happy to see you again. We hung out everyday that week before you had to go back once more. This time for an entire month. We did so much. We played mini putt, went to the arcade and watched a movie all on the same day. You cooked me dinner and we watched another movie before cuddling in bed together. I helped you pack and clean your apartment. Finally, we were forced to say our goodbyes.
When you left, we kept in contact. We talked everyday, sent each other songs and pictures. We were actively keeping our relationship alive. Then one day, you suggested I go visit you. At first, I was skeptical. The idea of traveling to visit a guy whom I’ve met only a few times seemed ridiculous (even if it was a 3h drive). So I called you. We talked on the phone. I wanted to know if this would be worth my time. That if I was to put my life on hold to come see you, then it should be for something more serious. Something more than just a hookup. You said what I wanted to hear and I believed you. Even today, I’m still not sure if you meant it but I don’t regret believing you in that moment. If I didn’t, we wouldn’t be sharing some of the memories I still think about today.
I traveled to see you. When I arrived and you came to get me, I was so happy. I ran to you, gave you a kiss and let out a sigh of relief that you actually came to pick me up. That seeing me again mattered to you enough.
The following days were really special for me. I felt like we were living like a couple. We hung with your friends, enjoyed a home cooked meal, ordered delivery and cuddled as we watched Netflix. You showed me around the beautiful city, the university campus and the pier. Those five days that I spent with you passed by so quickly compared to the one month I had to wait to see you again. And when we said our goodbyes a second time before I headed back home, I knew I’d have to wait another month before I could see you again. This time, however, you were moving to my city. I would be able to see you everyday. I looked forward to that, and I hoped at that point you did too.
During that month after I came back, I was admitted into the hospital. I let you know the reason and you freaked out. Surprisingly, not because you were worried for my health but for your own instead since you found out it was contagious. Days passed and we didn’t talk as often. Whenever we did talk, it would be very brief. What happened? Where were you when I needed you most?
Then it was my birthday. You knew it was coming. I was expecting a ‘happy birthday’ message but I didn’t get it. I looked forward to seeing your message the most. But I guess even on a special day like that I wasn’t special enough to even cross your mind. The next day, thoughts were going through my head. I wondered what had happened for us to have turned out this way. It couldn’t be the physical distance because we had dealt with that once already, the first time we said goodbye. These thoughts would not go away. Eventually, I made the decision to end our relationship. I don’t know why I did that. Possibly because I knew I wouldn’t want to deal with being rejected so I did the rejecting. Maybe I knew this wasn’t going to work out eventually, why waste my time now. Whatever the reason is, I didn’t know and I still don’t.
In the rejection, I sent you a paragraph and you sent me back ten words at most. I don’t remember, I deleted those messages. That hit me hard. Was I only worth a few words? Did I not deserve an explanation?
My heart started to ache. The next day, I called you. Why did I? Why did I care for a man who only thought I only deserved a few words? We talked and you confirmed this was the best choice. I forced myself to accept it and we hung up. Days passed by and I didn’t leave my bed. Days passed by and I couldn’t get myself to go to work. Everyday, I cried myself to sleep. I did not eat the entire week. Once again, I had put my life on hold for you. I doubt you would ever do the same for me.
I’m a lot better now. School has started so I have to force myself to be better, numbing my feelings, not allowing myself to feel sadness. Maybe because of that, occasionally when I think of you it still hurts. I didn’t allow myself to heal completely. Now that my life is going at the pace of school, I can no longer afford to be sad because of you. That’s the harsh reality of my life now.
I still think of you, Lenny. I still think of us. I wouldn’t be writing this if I wasn’t. I’ve finally realized that you and I are very different people. You love to party, I’m busy studying to get into Med school.
We’re so different but for a brief moment in our lives, we connected. Our paths crossed, we met and we had fun. I said to you before that I didn’t have any regrets and I still don’t. I felt so alive when I was with you. I’ve tried things I’ve never done before and felt emotions I haven’t felt in a while.
Sometimes, I would be studying in the library somewhere on the fifth floor and occasionally, I’ll look outside for some peace away from my hectic studies and realize how close you are to me. Just a few blocks away, literally, is where I can find you and yet the distance feels infinite. I’ve waited one month for you to come back. I’m writing you this letter now, one month since you’ve been back and one month since I’ve last talked to you.
So what happens now? While all these memories still remain afloat. Do I forget them? Or should I accept them as part of my past and not my future?
I don’t want to do either.
Many have told me that all this time you’ve been playing me. Your intentions were never genuine as mine and I believe that. You said all the right things at the right time and I foolishly believed every word. When I look back now, I can’t help but laugh at myself for allowing you to lead me on this far and for affecting me so much.But I am not mad at you. I can’t be because meeting you helped me realize that I’m capable of loving and caring for someone and hopefully, one day I’ll meet someone who can do the same for me. My happiness does not lie in you. It lies within myself. I have to be content with myself. Otherwise, I would just fall apart everytime a guy would leave and walk away.
I only have fond memories of us, there’s not much but they’re there.
I’m living day by day because my studies force me to. But if I was given the time, would I still allow myself to cry for you?
Day by day, maybe the answer will be more clear. And on some random days, maybe I’ll still think of you. When I do, I’ll know it’ll still hurt but hopefully, day by day, it becomes more tolerable.
If it’s meant to be, then our lives will cross once again. I’m so lucky to have met you, Lenny. Our relationship was brief but it was so real. It was for me, I hope at one point it was for you too.


Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.