This letter has been a long time coming. This letter is for my closure. We haven’t seen each other for years but I can still feel you… mostly in my dreams. I knew when you and Amelia broke up because I dreamt about it. I’ve dreamt of you and Arlyn happily together inviting me in for dinner. I could see the love between you and felt like maybe there was finally a window for us to be friends again. I think that dream spurred the last letter I sent. Recently, the dreams have been unrelenting. I’ve had multiple dreams about us reconnecting. One dream in particular was so vivid and tangible I was jolted awake, my heart swelling with happiness and sadness all at once.
The dreams of late have my mind turning. My subconscious is calling to the surface buried emotions around my relationship with you. I miss you. I miss your companionship. I miss your steady friendship. It’s not that I haven’t moved forward with my life. I feel happier and more grounded than ever. However, I want to move towards a deep romantic partnership again and need to clear my emotions surrounding you.
There are just a few things that need to be said for my closure. When you started dating other women and I claimed I was happy for you, I wasn’t being honest with you or myself. I didn’t want you to see my pain (I didn’t want to see my pain) so continually repressed it which, in the end, never works does it? I wanted to be a part of your life. Acting a cheerful, supportive ‘friend’ seemed the only avenue open to me. The incongruence between my actions and true feelings was confusing and hard on my heart.
Upon reflection, I see I never fully appreciated your love of music, of birding, of the outdoors, of adventure, of reading, or of time for peace and quiet. Having had lovers since you, I recognize that your kindness, thoughtfulness, honesty, integrity, humility, warmth, mellow demeanor, strength, ability to listen, and resilience are qualities that I admire in partner and are also hard to find. I put too many expectations on you and our relationship because of what I thought it meant to be in a relationship. I was naïve and inexperienced. I was hard to please and a poor communicator at times. Simply put, I was young and not firmly rooted in myself. I had to move away to grow into who I am today. To date, that was the hardest and most rewarding decision I’ve made. I had to leave you to find myself. And maybe by that point you had already left me.
My intention is not to upset you or invade your life with my need for closure. I only want to convey how deep my love was for you; deeper than even I recognized at the time. In writing you, I set that love free.
I hope you are happy, healthy, and have so much love in your life. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for teaching me about what it means to be in a relationship. Thank you for being the special man you are. Thank you for being my first true love…I could not have found a better one. You are a gem.