For him

LTME-postIt’s hard for me to lie, but when it comes to my feelings it seems as though the truth is the farthest thing from my mind. I know it could’ve been prevented, but then also I don’t see how it would’ve worked. Maybe, this is all we’re meant for. The pain, struggle, and difficulty that we feel when we are together. But then the crushing silence when we’re not. I am, the definition, of a mess. You would think, life is simple. I have a mother, father, brother, grandma and friends whom I adore…. there’s more. The confusion, uncertainty, disillusion, hate, sorrow, love, regret, hope that I keep inside. Relief is, what I felt first when it was over. Relief that I didn’t have to put effort into always saying how I feel. Relief that I was freed from this person that wanted, needed to know so much about me and it seemed always, struggled to understand me. I thought I could do it. Three times. Three times you learn more and more, and each time it hurt less and less, knowing what to expect in the end. Regret, was what I felt when reality hit me. It was over, and this time it felt for good. I wasn’t sure how it came to a close and why, just why I couldn’t have put myself out there for him when he was so ready to accept me. Communication is embedded in us as human beings. If this was what defined humanity, I fall under the category of an extraterrestrial. After, realizing the pain was only temporary, once you find another to soothe the wound. To learn then, that by doing so, I only made it deeper. I thought I was ok, but I’m not. Do I dare tell anyone. Do I even want to try to express myself and get into the puzzle that is my mind. Anger is all I know, when he treats me different. No, when he treats me worse. Casts me off to the side, disregards me as though I am a stranger. You think he might’ve discovered after I told him, I love you, the power he had, has, over me. I shy away now, reminding myself of why, those three words are dangerous, telling myself to never repeat them again. And now when I do to my mother or a friend, it hurts. I hate, him, so ,much. It makes me want to scream, so I do. I hate seeing him with other girls and when even my own friend treats me like nothing when he is there because I ‘hurt him more’. I hate how I am the one who is seen as the cause of all this. It’s all my fault. HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO APOLOGIZE. I can’t. Not anymore. When the day comes, that we can speak to each other again, I pray I don’t love you anymore and I don’t miss anything about you or what we used to have. If, my feelings have not changed then please do not talk to me, for when you do it is degrading, and I know your words are only intended to hurt. You want to know something? The ONLY reason I could never ever truly open up to you and I feel more comfortable with him now is because he accepts and understands me, yet I say less but more than you ever heard. My speech impairment affects me more than you will ever know. In one year, we never spoke of it once. I am intelligent, and capable of more than you can comprehend. Many times, you needed help and support. I loved that you could rely on me, I loved empowering you and being the one to comfort you and make you feel better. But. When I was in need, and alone, and hurting, it was her not you that made me smile again. I TRIED TO OPEN UP BUT YOU NEVER UNDERSTOOD. I did not feel safe or comfortable to ever speak about what was truly bothering me. I still miss you and the way you spoke to me, treated me, cared…… I AM SORRY OK I AM. I never knew what to say to you…. I still don’t know what to say….. As much as I hate you with all my being, I still, in this moment, miss you, and the worst part about all of this is you will never read this as long as I live.

1 Comment

  1. You can't handle the truth 5 years ago

    Oh yes I have. I’ve known for some time. When we’re together still! That’s how much you traumatized me. Why they then sent me proof of the three of you. To rub it in? It would have been one of them. Miss me & yet hate me? Your not sorry. Ppl dont do that when in love. Its called cheating, lies, deception, abuse, toxic, gaslighting. Your feeling guilt. Three’s a crowd. Your time will come. Practise makes perfect. If you were remoseful you’d make this right. Wont hold my breath. Refer to title.

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