I’m still in morning

I’m still in morning

I’m still in morning

LTME-postDear Nathan,

I am writing to you as I feel I need to. Not for you but for my own reasons of progress and closure.

I am writing this to heal.

To move on and finally to feel like I can say anything – I have nothing to lose anymore. This is not a case of accusations nor a way to hurt you. No, not my style.

First and foremost I need to express the way it felt after we have broken up. The raw, real me and what I went through.. the bizarre emotions that followed and what I continue feeling.
I can honestly say that there was lots of shock. The shock to feel that you would never ever be around again – a death – is what I am everyday trying to get my head around.
I have mourned it and shut this coffin tight, I wish there was a grave I could go to to keep bidding you goodbye but yet again there is no such dignified symbolic place to even lay my ‘rest in peace’ acknowledgements to. So it’s a surreal unfair end. An unfinished cruelty I have to face on a daily basis to help me move on.

I have battled with depression, freedom, pure anger and most of all that empty feeling of losing you. A missing of something.. has someone chopped my limbs off? It’s a constant phantom limb and it hurts like hell.

This is not simple, to let a human you loved so much go like that. This is up there with losing my own son.. I mean how would I go on if I lost my little boy? I don’t think I could even live with myself. Yet here I am trying to deal with a lost love that once felt like home, a security, a happy, a bliss that quenched my soul to it’s highest. Yet it was taken away by a what? If only there was meaning and answers I would be content. Yet nothing. No answers and no justification. Just a vanishing into thin air. This is unfair my friend and I have built a big wall to just help me deal with some of this pain I am dealing with.

I have finally decided to knock down this wall and face it and really just feel. I made it my absolute mission to deal with it and writing you a letter today is how I am starting.

You know, I haven’t just lost a love. I have lost a best friend. The best friend that knew the core of my heart on a daily basis. A confidant that was loyal to me, that I trusted and poured my soul to every damn day. You of all people knew I was a closed up shell and rarely shared anything to anyone with. Yet this too was taken away. I’m left completely disoriented and disabled. How could life give so much and take it away like that? It’s exhausting on me too to try and understand, acknowledge and have the answers. I’m not wise anymore I don’t want to deal.

Everyday I do wonder how you would be feeling. I know this human that I have poured my heart to is still alive. He lives and life is supposed to go on. I’m supposed to be ok and bid this human goodbye and best wishes like it is normal. But it is not. It’s not normal because to do so is not human. I am a living being with feelings and a big heart and to deny that is a lie. The little girl in me is crying and she is confused – she is missing her one and only and no one is giving her any comfort.

So with my big heart and rich but complex human feelings, I feel good to be writing to someone I shared so much with. You are not dead but well and alive and you are capable of reading this brutal honesty. This knowledge gives me some comfort and my grieving can subside even for just a little bit. I mean you can’t write to a dead person after all but this is at least is an advantage.

Last and foremost, I do wish you well. I still cannot forgive you for the pain I am enduring but little by little I am moving on. Life goes on. Feelings will heal. I will be ok.

What’s the saying?…. ‘The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is to love and be loved in return’.. yeah it happened once – it was lovely. Thanks.

2 Comments

  1. Tony 4 years ago

    Christina
    We just have to hang in there don’t we.
    Is so sad that when we calm down enough to think clearly and usually this takes us a month or two that we actually come to realise that our insecurities lead us astray. They trip us up and they lie to us. We end up in the confusion of what we believe should be and what we perceive is.
    This is true for both people in the relationship.
    I will post my letter on here shortly and I doubt anyone will even see it but like you it will soothe my soul.
    Let’s reflect on a positive for a moment ok?
    The greatest love of all does indeed live inside of us I capacity to give our love is also within us but we must give and receive in equal measure.
    What we truly seek is trust isn’t it, trust that our partner will let us be ourselves in a true way without judgement or pretence.
    We set sail on a warm day across calm seas with the sun in our face and a sense of peace in our heart. We look to the horizon with excitement and nervous anticipation.
    But none of us are great sailors and sometimes the boat flounders but we work together to pull it straight. For a while it’s all good again but then eventually we get lost trying to navigate our way and one person takes the lifeboat and leaves with the one behind left lost and alone.
    We will drift for a while and we will be consumed trying to get our boat to calmer waters. But you know the sun will come up and the waters will calm.
    We will realise that horizon still looks perfect and we must keep heading on. Something perfect is waiting there for us. In the meantime what we must do is not concentrate on why the other person jumped ship because they just did, they got tired or they got scared. Either way they gave up on us didn’t they?
    So become a better sailor ok
    Look to the sunshine ahead and stop looking to the storm behind.
    Would we really trust a deserter back on board ??
    Oh and so you know my ex just left me too, I am full of remorse and sadness and miss her terribly but she committed the worst crime. She took her clothes off and jumped into another mans boat. Sailed away without looking back.
    Your precious and some guy out there wants to hold your hand I promise. Stay strong ok, I’m here for you x

    • Christina 4 years ago

      Thank you Tony,
      Your words are so true and I can only feel your pain as you wrote what you did. We are healing everyday and it’s just a continuous journey of ups and downs.
      I know I’m stronger and so are you but I want it to be ok to allow ourselves to grieve a little, to release and just be feeling.
      Yes we have a brighter and sunnier horizon and we know that but we are only left with memories that hug us with the comfort of familiarity.
      I really hope you move on from this and feel better. Day by day we will get back to being ourselves soon.
      Sending you light and joy
      Christina

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.