I am writing to you as I feel I need to. Not for you but for my own reasons of progress and closure.
I am writing this to heal.
To move on and finally to feel like I can say anything – I have nothing to lose anymore. This is not a case of accusations nor a way to hurt you. No, not my style.
First and foremost I need to express the way it felt after we have broken up. The raw, real me and what I went through.. the bizarre emotions that followed and what I continue feeling.
I can honestly say that there was lots of shock. The shock to feel that you would never ever be around again – a death – is what I am everyday trying to get my head around.
I have mourned it and shut this coffin tight, I wish there was a grave I could go to to keep bidding you goodbye but yet again there is no such dignified symbolic place to even lay my ‘rest in peace’ acknowledgements to. So it’s a surreal unfair end. An unfinished cruelty I have to face on a daily basis to help me move on.
I have battled with depression, freedom, pure anger and most of all that empty feeling of losing you. A missing of something.. has someone chopped my limbs off? It’s a constant phantom limb and it hurts like hell.
This is not simple, to let a human you loved so much go like that. This is up there with losing my own son.. I mean how would I go on if I lost my little boy? I don’t think I could even live with myself. Yet here I am trying to deal with a lost love that once felt like home, a security, a happy, a bliss that quenched my soul to it’s highest. Yet it was taken away by a what? If only there was meaning and answers I would be content. Yet nothing. No answers and no justification. Just a vanishing into thin air. This is unfair my friend and I have built a big wall to just help me deal with some of this pain I am dealing with.
I have finally decided to knock down this wall and face it and really just feel. I made it my absolute mission to deal with it and writing you a letter today is how I am starting.
You know, I haven’t just lost a love. I have lost a best friend. The best friend that knew the core of my heart on a daily basis. A confidant that was loyal to me, that I trusted and poured my soul to every damn day. You of all people knew I was a closed up shell and rarely shared anything to anyone with. Yet this too was taken away. I’m left completely disoriented and disabled. How could life give so much and take it away like that? It’s exhausting on me too to try and understand, acknowledge and have the answers. I’m not wise anymore I don’t want to deal.
Everyday I do wonder how you would be feeling. I know this human that I have poured my heart to is still alive. He lives and life is supposed to go on. I’m supposed to be ok and bid this human goodbye and best wishes like it is normal. But it is not. It’s not normal because to do so is not human. I am a living being with feelings and a big heart and to deny that is a lie. The little girl in me is crying and she is confused – she is missing her one and only and no one is giving her any comfort.
So with my big heart and rich but complex human feelings, I feel good to be writing to someone I shared so much with. You are not dead but well and alive and you are capable of reading this brutal honesty. This knowledge gives me some comfort and my grieving can subside even for just a little bit. I mean you can’t write to a dead person after all but this is at least is an advantage.
Last and foremost, I do wish you well. I still cannot forgive you for the pain I am enduring but little by little I am moving on. Life goes on. Feelings will heal. I will be ok.
What’s the saying?…. ‘The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is to love and be loved in return’.. yeah it happened once – it was lovely. Thanks.