You were my very first girlfriend and relationship in general. Even though we couldn’t really see each other outside of school, it was still so much fun just being around you. You made me sooo nervous, my heart practically thumps in my throat when i saw you. And darling, you still do. I still remember the feeling i felt when you first held my hand…Such a simple little thing but you know how much that meant to me. And when you would give me bug bear hugs that made me feel so secure, like you were protecting me from everything evil in the world. I came out to my mom with you because I didn’t want to keep you a secret. You meant the world to me so I wanted to show you off… Then you just left me. I knew it was coming eventually but I didn’t think this soon. I know we were arguing more but I thought we could make it work and move on from that. You know when a bone breaks and it heals that becomes the strongest part of the bone? I thought that was us. Every little argument, i thought at least, made us stronger and closer. I pretty much had a breakdown after you left me. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Then I thought about all the fucked up things you did to me. You manipulated me so many times to feel sorry for you. You never showed me off to your friend or anyone. You wouldn’t even tell the bitch who was trying to get with you that you had a girlfriend. Then after a while, we started talking again. it was a constant on and off talking period. But more recently… we stayed talking for a longer period of time. I wanted to get back with you no matter how toxic you were for me or how much more emotional damage it would cause me, i didn’t care I just wanted you. You, however, told me you /just/ getting over an ex… an ex you got with after one of our “off” talking periods. It broke my heart that you can forget about me so easily but not her. You said she used you and she was actually “straight”… i’m sure you’d still be with her if she wasn’t. And you had the audacity to tell me you love me, even when you were “getting over her”…. Even after all that I couldn’t stay mad at you or hate you. Remember when we in to the cosmetology room and into the locker room in there? You held me tight and I was holding you like you were gold. You gave me my first kiss. It meant the world to me. And I became attached to you. We weren’t going out for you to kiss me like that… more like friends with benefits… Then we had that argument about how I wanted us to be more and you didn’t want to. I’m sorry I did that. I’m sorry I was being selfish and wanted more.
Bear, I love you. I love your smile and your chubby cheeks and your country accent and the way you tell stories and the way your eyes used to light up when you saw me. When you would tell me you loved me.
Bear, I wish I told you how much I loved you, how much I wanted you. I still do.
I know you do too. (Or wishful thinking). I miss you, Bear.
I hope you do great in the Army if you are going. I hope you do well in life and you get the happiness you deserve. I’ll always be here for you no matter what, you know that.
Love always, Your Princess.