I planned our wedding..
From ceremony to the cocktail and cigar hour to the reception.. Theme was picked.. and I literally was perfect for the both of us.. I was stuck on color schemes and narrowed it down to a few venues..
Then I thought about the real.. that weddings are a show and done for family and friends.. I thought about what it truly meant to be married, the work, the sacrifice.. and wondered if you would be against something small.. just me and you.. intimate..
But early on, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.. and I knew that whatever made me get up earlier than planned to come see you that day, had to only be fate.. bcuz I had finally scored something in common..
We are much further away than when we initially started this.. in Nov.. I used to be happy, by myself.. I longed for something really but not the point that life stopped and I was waiting.. So with you, I was happier.. at some point.. We are not the ppl we were in Feb and March.. and I am not the person I was 2-3 weeks ago.. I am at peace whether this moves forward or it ends after I finally decide to send this.. I realize, no matter how awesome I am solo, how awesome I was with you, and what I could bring to your life, it won’t change anything if you don’t see it, and/or want to.. I am in a losing battle, with myself..
days like today (5.16.18) really do bring me full circle.. here I was trying to tell you about what happened in my dream and it became about the imaginary person I am talking to and then you were cursing.. and I am random, again..bcuz I said good morning and told you about you being in my dream.. You weren’t not playing here.. so stop saying that.. You repeated the same dialogue you have said to me before.. you meant that.
We aren’t ourselves with each other.. I am the random texts throughout the day especially when conversation has died.. and my understanding, that is what normal ppl do.. I am the send you random lyrics from a song that made me think of you and smile.. I am the send freaky text to let you know you are on my mind and the way you were pictured.. I am the check on you, bcuz I do care about you, everything that effects you and everything that is you.. you are important to me.. all of this disturbs or irritates you..
The light went off..
I am stuck on who we were.. Separate and together.. I do not like who we have become since.. I fell for who you were.. The thought of you and us, still dancing around my head.. So much to the point that I am waiting.. for that to return.. everyday reminds me that it’s not.. and now I’m feeling the need to fall out of your way..
You don’t need me.. and I don’t mean in the sense of you need me to survive but you don’t need me.. There isn’t a need for me, this, us.. you are good solo. There is no desire.. There is no want.. You do not fight for me.. not with me, understand the difference.
We have disconnected.. and part of this is out of fear.. I’m afraid to approach you about anything bcuz everything is a OMG!! A huff and a puff..
I don’t know that we will ever be.. But I will say that I don’t need or have a desire to do the day for day anymore.. Sitting here not knowing if this will be more than this.. I don’t need more friends.. How are we supposed to grow into anything from this and nothing has been established? There is no foundation to grow from..
What happened to the seeds, the soil..
I wanted you..
Prob more than I wanted anyone. I had finally, Finally, FINALLY!! Found something in Houston and could shy away from dating long distance.. A person who shared the same passions, interests.. What we both saw later on in life.. I prayed for this everyday, daily and constantly thanked God for you. I could not believe that he created you for me. Seeing you after a month relit everything I was feeling just 5 weeks before.. Making eye contact from across the room.. Seeing you in your element (which always did it for me) made me all dreamy again.. and like before, I forgot about all the bullshit and could only focus on the good and how good being in your space felt..
“We know we’ve had the arguments. You’ve unfollowed me etc… it’s a lot to know. But I haven’t been myself cause of other things.”
I didn’t know that us not being friends on IG would play such a major and negative flaw in our relationship.. I don’t know why IG plays such an importance to you.. I don’t know why it matters so much.. We have had the arguments.. We have said a lot of things.. We have both apologized.. Why are we still here.?
You are so mean..
Where did this come from? Have I hurt you that bad? I have asked if you hated me, you say it’s nothing but love yet I can’t ask you something simple without being barked at.. I am not all in your mix and I was okay with that.. I understand to some degree that we as individuals have things we have to face on our own but you don’t have to be nasty to me and then say you are hoping to grow here.. How?!
I don’t feel as though this with you and I has ever been one sided.. you have expressed how you felt about me and this and the future and I have met you there with those same expressions.. Yet at this point, I did feel like this is just me.. Me assuring you.. daily at times.. is that gone too?
I know you think all I’m on at this point is some sex shit.. But in all honesty, I never approached you like that.. I’m at a lost that you keeping saying things like “I bet you on some come fuck type” where did this come from?.. Mind you, you initiated that.. I can’t help that I want intimacy with you.. I can’t help that you are the only person I have been physical with at the time and during this time.. I’m not going to apologize for being a sexual person with my man, you at the time when you poked the bear.. I’m sorry you think I’m that chic.. We don’t know much about each others sexually history/past, but I will tell you mine isn’t that.. and never has been.. Did I enjoy that aspect of you and with you, yes!! But it wasn’t just that for me..
I could send all this to you, but to only get a 😎 back would only drive me even more..