I miss you and the memories

I miss you and the memories

I miss you and the memories

Got reminded of the whole lot of memories as I unblocked you off everything, just to stalk you. the one who i thought i was going to be with for longer than i expected, you brought so many happy memories every night that i snuck out to be with you, you made me happy you knew how to make me laugh but only while it lasted. You were my first proper love and my heart aches knowing you no longer want me and you no longer need me but i think of you so much, i wish things would have never been this way. i was scared you wouldn’t want me at one point but soon realized that you’ve moved on. You were once an amazing person to me and i’m so very grateful for the moments we have spent fucking around the moments you were mad at me and i sat in the corner worries shitless because it showed me how much i love you and i still have every photo and video we took together, every video i made you smile in because i loved your smile when you didn’t.

i still listen to our song that you loved singing completely wrong, i miss you wanting to risk anything just to see me. I miss you making me jealous, i miss you kissing me, i miss when we used to fall asleep on each other, i miss listening to the same song with you over and over again, i miss your brothers coming in the middle of our call and telling your mom you were on the phone with a girl, i miss knowing that you once loved me, i miss people telling me how cute we were, i miss saying goodnight to you at night and you getting mad at me because i said “love you” not “i love you”, i miss the little stupid jokes we once shared. I miss you telling every dude in my dms that I was all yours, i miss me begging you to kiss me when you were mad, i miss you hugging me and telling me everything would be okay when I was feeling down , i miss wondering what would make me love you even more each day, i miss telling you how much i love you and how much you mean to me, i miss you making sure you knew i was okay even when you thought i wasn’t, i miss you taking my stuff and me getting mad, i miss how you used to look at me after we kissed, i miss how you used to hold me and look at me, i miss us getting stoned and saying stupid shit, i miss your little brother thinking we were going to get married.

I could go on and on for so long, sometimes I feel so stupid as to feel for you till now when I know you cheated on me. There passes no moment when I don’t think about what wrong did I do to deserve all that. Although my soul got shattered that day but yet I have the HOPE to meet you again later on in life when we’re older ,to become what we once thought we had . I miss you. Not a day goes by when you’re not the first person on my mind when I open my eyes and right before I close them. I wish you felt the same. I saw you smile and heard you laugh not too long ago. I’m glad you’re happy. I will always remember the first time we met, it plays over and over in my head, how we got attached to fast..the feeling of feeling safe around you, the happiness and feeling compete, your voice your touch and presence filled that hole in my heart that I longed to be full.

You brought  so much joy into existence, it filled my scares and it accepted me for my past and mistakes. It calmed me it kept me safe and happy, it gave me hope. I was treated like queen but not for so long. I have thought about texting you. Taking a quick glance as someone who looks like you makes me remember you and miss you. The thing is that i lost someone that for me meant a lot. The butterflies i used to get with excitement and happiness to have you are all long gone. When i think about you i feel sadness. Sadness because i could’ve given you another chance when you asked me to see you again but i was so hurt by the way things ended.

There’s something in me that wants that closure to know that im a friend of yours but at the same time i know it wont be the same if we decide to talk again because all those flashbacks are going to come back and hunt me.I forgave you for everything you did to me. For making me feel worthless because i loved you. Months of not knowing what i was looking for in you.. I wish i could go back to the day when i first met you. The day you introduced yourself and sat behind me. those days when we used to talk a lot. But i guess those are the only memories i will cherish with all my heart. You meant a lot to me but it took just a little for you to leave as if I were nothing.even though it might not mean anything to you because i was just one of those girls you took advantage of you will always have a special place in my heart. I miss you. Those words seem to be toxic to me every day.

You were the only person I wanted and still wish I had you, you were the person who I could tell anything and everything to. You were my best friend. Nowadays it seems like we can’t even form a one-sentence conversation without arguments . That’s not what I want, and I really hope that’s not what you want either, but that’s how it happens to be.You broke my heart. The words you said to me still haunt me: “you realize I would never say or do anything to hurt you”. I know you didn’t want to hurt me but that’s how it happened, that’s how things end. You were my everything. all of the memories I have of us together come rushing back. Our first kiss that felt like yesterday . that night you grabbed me by the waist and promised me you’d never leave my side. You kissed me. Everywhere I go I am reminded of us we once  spent together. I just don’t get it. It’s been all these months and you seem to be just fine while I’m still suffering. It doesn’t make sense. All I want is for us to be sitting in the midst of that awkward tension and for you to look at me and say “I miss you”. I guess that’s too much to ask. I have tried to move on. I flirted with other niggas even dated someone recently. Tried sober tried drinking but nothings seem works. I can’t forget your face, your touch… your love. People still ask me about me and you and that’s when my heart cries but don’t worry I pretend everything is all right.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming you for my miserable life. It’s just I can’t stop loving you from inside.i can’t even eat or look at myself in the mirror anymore, not a day goes by without blaming myself because “I wasn’t enough “ for you to stay. I just wish I could tell you how I truly felt and how much I miss you but you wouldn’t believe me nor care.you don’t care about me anymore but it gets harder without you,I miss you so much and I miss the dumb everything, I really miss the feeling of having you around all the time.seeing you pass by me every time and acting like strangers kills me so much.i know you’ve moved on but I haven’t.hearing other people talk about you talking to other hoes hurts me so much and no matter how bad you hurt me I will always regret everything.i regret it more and more everyday. im slowly giving up on everything.losing you has caused me to become so distant and insecure about myself. im not even myself anymore bro. im just so mad at myself for even letting you treat me like shit. I felt it on my chest and stomach when you left. im angry but I still love you, it’s as if all those butterflies I once had when you came close to me died. I wanted to just sleep and feel nothing.

Nothing in the world mattered to me anymore.i started questioning my worth. those thoughts never let me sleep.my heart hurts so bad. its a feeling you can’t relate to until it happens. why did I let you control my emotions.Knowing that I let you control my emotions lead to anger.now I’m not mad at you ,but mad at myself because I had warnings but let them go because I loved you so much.you don’t understand how bad I want to go up to you and talk things out and fix Things but it would only lead me to more anger and heart aches. I can’t seem to get you off my mind what so ever. I can’t believe we went from being the best friends to nothing, I became so distant from everyone and slept so much.i didn’t eat much and lost weight pretty fast. I didn’t sleep much at night though.it was so hard to not cry through out the day when I was in so much pain.I let you get the best of me.it was a struggle to get up in the morning knowing It was another day without you by my side.i wanted to give up so bad. I mean who would have thought that meeting you would change my life so much.

Who would’ve thought You would betray me so bad. you became everything.I think of you all day. each moment I remember you holding me. I remember how that felt. I used to count down the hours until I would see you again and have you hold me again and have you care for me again.But that time is over now. We have ended ,there is no going back.But I miss you so much. I love you so much.i know you turned your back on me and you always told your homies I was always just a friend when I gave you everything and even after everything you did to me I have forgiven you. I knew you had your demons and I was ready to stand beside you and help you fight them. I respected the suffering you had to face as if it was sacred, because it was unknown to me. I respected you for standing tall after all of it. That’s why I forgave you over and over again. I tried putting you in a better place but you obviously don’t want to do what’s right, you know I cared for you and I got tired of seeing you fail in life and it kept hurting me so I decided to remove you and stop talking to you because I was tired of everything and being ignored by you all the time I figured, why have him on here if he won’t talk to me nor in person and it hurt to not see a single message from you asking how I was doing, and seeing that after trying so hard to change you for the best you ignored me and if you truly cared you would listen to my advise because you mean a lot to me believe it or not.why did you know start to truly care about “us” after you saw I gave up on trying to fix your mistakes why did you decide to do this when you saw I was doing going on with life? why would you want to cause someone this pain.

But you once taught me many good things and I will never put you out as a bad person when people ask about you. even though you acted so different when your friends were around and it hurt me because it felt like your ashamed of me sometimes but,you stole my heart and your love left me blind which had me constantly crying over dumb little things you did that you didn’t even care about But you always gave me for granted and you thought I would never be able to stay without you. But I am and I did.I’m just unable to erase the thought of you and the discomfort at the idea that I will never see you again. That’s why I rejoice at those moments before going to sleep, I pretend you’re with me. How bad is it when I wake up and realise that there’s nothing between us.you didn’t actually love me as I thought you did that’s why disappeared instead of offering me the last opportunity to clarify our differences. And now you are gone. I can’t message you we are now  two strangers.It hurts a lot but it’s whatever. guess the saddest part of our relationship was how short it was. But in the short time, we made a lifetime of memories.But those memories now haunt me. Our relationship was filled with constant drama, I couldn’t walk down the hallway without hearing something new about me and you.I ended things for the best . I started to cry because I was still in love with you and I wanted to be together but I could stay not after everything you said and did.I don’t know what went through my mind when you asked me out even after I knew how badly you had treated you exes but I fell for your stupid words of you saying you changed.i sadly saw your true colors. I want closure now and perhaps this is the last time I’m writing thinking about you .


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