I wish I could go back

I wish I could go back

I wish I could go back

Dear Nico, 

We weren’t meant to be together in the end. And I think that’s okay. I think I’ve realized it’s okay to not have someone. It’s okay to not be with someone. But not being with you is the worst nightmare I’ve had in awhile. I know it’s been but a few hours, but at this point I don’t care. Realization still sets in. 

I used to wake up and smile at the thought of being able to see you certain days. I used to love your smile. I used to love your laugh. I enjoyed being with you. Even thought we fought a lot.

It got toxic. It got rough and hard. It wasn’t easy being with you. And probably wouldn’t ever be in the future. You made the right decision in the end.

I ended up leaving you. In the beginning. We took a massive break to fix ourselves for one another and I didn’t want you to deal with it anymore… so I left. I left in hopes we could try again later. But tonight I got horrible news. That won’t happen.

I won’t be able to hold you again. Share those moments again. I won’t be able to have you in front of me, standing and smiling, and I can just say “I love you..”. None of that will happen, ever again. It kills me. To know I can’t have you as my own any longer.

I spewed our an array of things. Like, “I promise I’ll change.”..”I’ll be better.”…”Don’t leave me alone again!”(Cause you have before). And I was distraught. The whole time I spoke my stomach twisted and churned. No more future. No more love. No more… you. 

You ended up making the right decision for reasons. But I wish you stayed. I wish you had stayed by my side like you promised. You promised forever. You promised you loved me.  You promised you wouldn’t ever leave me.

But I guess promises are broken… aren’t they. I guess in this sense promises were broken. All of them. Because here we are.. you want to be alone and I understand that. I’m ready to let you be alone.. but I’m not ready to let the piece of your heart you gave me, go. 

I wish you the best. I know you probably won’t ever speak to me again. But… it’s understandable. I hope you find solace in life. I hope you find someone who makes you happy even though you say “I’m not right for anyone”. You were right for me… 

Thank you. For everything you taught me. I wish you the best.. and frankly. I’ll always love you :(…</3. 

Sincerely, me.


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