It still hurts

It still hurts

It still hurts

I don’t know what hurts more. The fact that I miss you, or the fact that you don’t miss me. You broke us up in 2018. It’s now 2020, and I am still not over you. We had such a special bond, and I never had it coming. We didn’t end on bad terms. I tried so hard to be your friend, but I couldn’t. I am still in love with you. I want to thank you. You were so special to me. You were my first real boyfriend, and I cherished you so much. I have the feeling that you’ll never need me again. It still hurts. I am not over you Ryan.

I remember our parents surprised you with tickets to Chicago to come see me right before we split. “Young love,” your mom said. I’ll never forget those words. I wish I could talk to you one more time and just catch up. How are you? I’ll never know. We changed so much. I fell for you when I was 15. I’m almost 18, and we have grown and experienced so much. I just want you to see. November 9, 2017. I mean, how could I forget. The day we confirmed. I flew multiple times to come and see you, although things got so so messy. You were my first New Years’ kiss. My first Valentine. It was magical. You went out of your way to spoil me even when I didn’t deserve it.

To be honest, I don’t even know why I’m writing thing. I guess maybe a coping mechanism. Ryan, I know you’ll never see this. I love you so so so much. You’re the first person I think of in the morning, and the last person I think of before I sleep. I still dream about you and that one day we’ll come back to each other. When I tell people I love and miss you, they don’t believe it. They think it’s corny and cheesy, but seriously you made me feel like nothing before.

When you broke up with me, I was afraid of what I might do to myself. I flew to Florida alone as an escape to get you out of my mind. That barely helped. It still hurts. I am still broken. Sometimes I tell myself I’m over you just to trick myself and force you out of my mind. I haven’t been in a relationship since you because I am not over you. I feel like I’m never good enough, and I’m so sorry that I wasn’t good enough for you, and I wasn’t able to make you as happy as you deserved. We weren’t perfect, we weren’t soulmates, but we were everything I wanted.

I know you’re so sick of me telling you I miss you because you don’t care. I miss hearing you call me pretty. I miss hearing you say my name. I miss our laughter and inside jokes. I just fucking miss you and it hurts me every day that you didn’t choose me. It still hurts. I have so much more to say, but I can’t go much further. Thank you so much for being you, I love you. I miss you Ryan.


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