My feelings towards you have changed greatly over the past month. For the first two months after the breakup, I absolutely hated you. Not in the way that would motivate me to yell at you or contact you in any way, but in the way that would silently drive me absolutely insane psychologically. I hated that you didn’t care about me as much as I cared about you. I hated that you would sometimes take HOURS to respond to a simple good morning text. I hated that I didn’t spend a lot of time with you. I hated that you prioritized your friendship with your ex over respecting me and my feelings (I’m still a little mad about that one to be honest). I hated that you took my virginity and dumped me soon afterwards. I hated that you said “everything would be okay” when it clearly wasn’t the truth. I hated that you tried to convince G that the breakup was mutual even though it wasn’t.
Then, my hatred began to shift. I began to turn to myself a bit. I hated how I let you disrespect me. I hated that I wanted to be more extroverted not because I wanted to be but because that’s what YOU wanted. I hated how I offered to meet your ex not because I wanted to but because I wanted you to shut the fuck up about it. I hated that I let myself get so stressed over a relationship that was never going to work out anyway.
But I began to realize that realizing all of this is extremely important. The fact that I was aware of how I fucked up is honestly great. I haven’t been beating myself up too much over the mistakes I have made in the relationship (although I still feel bad about them from time to time) because I know now that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing then. How could I criticize myself for things I didn’t know? There’s no point in doing that. That’s not helpful. What I can do now is recognize what I did and didn’t like in the relationship and apply it to other situations.
The conclusion to all of this is simple: I now know what I need to work on for myself and I have let go of the idea of trying to change you. I’ve decided that whether you are a douchebag or a total sweetheart doesn’t matter. You don’t matter to me anymore. Harsh? Yeah, a little. I’m not saying you don’t matter to others or your future partner. You matter to them. But you don’t matter to me. I’ll be perfectly honest; I haven’t emotionally reacted to writing this letter at all. I didn’t cry, become angry, or even have a change in mood. I know all of this already. This is all old news to me. I’m writing simply because I find my neutrality on this situation quite interesting. Something I was so emotionally invested in around 2-3 months ago is now pretty boring. I suppose my brain is getting tired of thinking about it which I think is a very good thing.
I wrote this letter for myself but I had to say something to you, I couldn’t come up with anything because I don’t have anything. I’m going to start working with you in the fall. What’ll happen then? Who knows. I’m almost positive you will try to talk to me at some point at work. I will not be doing the same but that’s sort of how that goes. The dumper has to break the ice in these situations. I just have to sit back and see what happens. It’s like I’m watching a Disney drama but I’m both an audience member and the main character. Ah well. It is what it is.