No. 90

Hey Luis, This will be my final goodbye to you, everything from the start was so magical and I have never loved someone like this in my life. We’ve been through so much together, those magical kisses, late nights conversations, early morning cuddles, and the fact that you’re the only one who believes in my art career and pushes me to do what I’m afraid of, I’m truly thankful for all those memories.

But from the get-go I knew this is not going to last, we are in different stages of our lives, you are so driven to make something out of your study and career, and I’m always just an option. I love you dearly and thought make if I change myself here and there, limit my expectations just a little more this will work, but the loneliness started to grow on me and I kept asking you for more.

You told me very honestly that you simply can’t afford to do so, for the longest time I thought that’s my flaw to want a stable and committed relationship, proper dates, long walks and trips. You’ve started to give me the hot and cold treatment, I made myself small enough just to be by your side, that made me feel unworthy and god it hurts. 

So after you got mad at me by expressing concerns with our relationship I knew I have to leave, we’ve been on and off from the beginning but this time I need to really let go. I went to your apartment when you’re not there to pick up all of my stuff, hold the pillow that we bought together and say my final goodbye, Still remember the day that I helped you to move in, we were so so happy. But I simply just can’t lose myself like this even though I love you so dearly.

Sometimes I still wonder if I do things differently or talk to you one last time, we’ll have a different ending. I need to stop torturing myself from all the nonexistent possibilities, we did what we did and now it’s time to move on.

I deserve to be happy and be with someone who treats me as a priority, not just an option. It will be hard but I need to do this for myself. It still hurts like hell, hopefully someday I can look back and thank myself for being brave at this moment.

Note to myself
I understand being in a foreign country at this time is tough, losing your mom and situation back home makes you feel helpless, but someday it will all past, I hope you can be truly happy and find a place you belong in this world. You deserve to be love, I will always be here. I love you.


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