Dear z

Today marks one month since the last time we saw each other, a month since I’ve felt your comforting presence around me. A month ago I was on top of the world and I thought I had found someone worth opening up to. When did it all change? One month ago we were laughing and exploring the city while taking polaroids. I still carry that picture in my phone. I can’t let you go. You constantly talked about “next time” and all the fun things we would do in the future and I believed you. Believe it or not you have been the only person to have gotten more than one date. For once I thought it was going in the right direction because it was a sign right? A sign that I was doing something right for once in my life. You genuinely cared about my family and even went out of your comfort zone to make them happy, to make me happy. You fit right in. You belonged with us. That night you were the perfect person to me and I can’t believe I am never going to get that back, to get you back.

I’m sorry if I was ever confusing, I’m just scared. Scared of being myself around someone, scared of loving someone too much. Looking back I wouldn’t have pushed you away. I would have tried harder and I’m so sorry. But the fault doesn’t fall on me 100%. You messed up too. You didn’t try in the end. I have never cried as hard as I did the first night. It was a cry of the most painful kind, the one where your heart hurts, the one where you can’t even find the energy to breath. The following days I listened to The One That Got Away and would cry in my car. But no matter how much I cry and scream, it doesn’t make it any easier. Every single day I hope that you will realize your mistake and come back. That I’ll wake up with a text saying that you screwed up. That we are worth the fight and the distance. I now know that you are my first love, the one I talk about when my kids or nieces and nephews ask about. You are the one that got away. I truly believe deep down that in another life you are my soulmate or you were a “right person wrong time” because there is no other way to explain us. I hope to God that you are the latter because I don’t want to lose you. In my eyes you were the stars but in the end, they are only meant to love from afar. ily


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