It’s really hard sometimes to sit down and turn the million thoughts that run through your head into cohesive thoughts. I’ve never been the type to hesitate to say or write something but love weakens me. Everything else in my life is perfect, especially my career, but the choices I make about love are far from it. So here’s to all the boys I’ve loved in one way or the other… the ones who have received a part of me, even if they did not know what was being given.
For a girl who’s always had “her stuff” together, I sure have known how to pick them. It all started at age 15, with a boy I barely knew and was infatuated with for no reason at all. Then it was the older guy who was completely reckless and dangerous, and that introduced me to a lot of things I probably was not ready to see yet. At 16, along came that co-worker… whom (let’s be honest), the only reason I dated was that it presented a challenge, some sort of rule-breaking. I never really liked him. At 17, came my first love and the only person that to this day I love and will always respect. Those 2 years were the most tragic of my life; I have never suffered or been through so much change in my entire life. It was the best way of learning about myself and I sure thought that after it, I finally knew what I wanted. At 19, I met my second love. My prince charming. I still regret letting him go. He woke up something in me that I never see in myself anymore; I felt happy to be a woman because someone completely loved me and worshipped me. Of course the rebellious and insecure girl in me had to find ways to make it not work. Lasted less than a year, how sad that was. After him, came the trainwreck. The trainwreck and woman I am today and that I no longer recognize.
In the past year, I have been with a guy who believe he was Einstein and should’ve never had a chance with me, a guy whose entire life is illicit activities and silly video games, a guy who was my friend but that just wanted to have sex with me, a guy who was an exchange student who had no intention of getting to know me, and finally, a guy I thought had potential but actually has a girlfriend he’s been with for years. Truly, I don’t know what happened to the girl that wanted men who actually loved her. It’s almost like she’s gone and I keep searching and can’t find her. It’s like she’s given pieces of herself to all of these guys that truly did not deserve the smallest part and now she can’t gather the pieces back. Is it possible to start building them again from scratch?