Hey – look, i know i messed everything up. i know i hurt you for months and didn’t help. i know i left you to soak in the pain. And i realize that you don’t have to forgive me but i just want you to know that i am sorry. We spent an added up total of a year together. 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days. happy, together. and yet within a span of two weeks, technically a couple of days really, i decided that i was tired. fucking tired. Tired of being happy? tired of feeling loved and cared for? tired of caring for and loving someone else? to be honest i don’t know. i just woke up one day and decided it was for the best. Whether i was right or wrong is for you to decide because i owe you that at least but i never really explained it to you.
On a night mid-july in a beach house in Florida, i sat overthinking. Now don’t get me wrong, overthinking is a usual thing for me, i’m not new to the idea and i know how hard it is to ignore the enclosing thoughts that basically tear everything apart. But that night in particular i guess i was feeling a bit…. i don’t know…vulnerable? That night i thought maybe i get these thoughts for a reason. Maybe it’s not the stress, or anxiety, or depression, maybe it’s a sign. and maybe i should trust it. Any common overthinker could tell you that at this exact point, i fucking fucked up.
You should never and i mean never trust your goddamn overthinking brain. it never ends well. and i knew that from experience. but yet, here we are. Miles apart, months separated, what was once one soul now two broken ones. All because my bitch ass decided this brain was worth another chance. While obviously wrong and deciding to be oblivious of it, i spent a total of three days deciding whether i should trust it and a total of two weeks waiting for it to happen.
Right about now i would tell you that those two weeks were spent rethinking my decision and making sure i was 100% set on ending what we had. But in reality? those two weeks were there so i could feel better about myself. so i didn’t have to end such a big part of my life within a couple of days. Because truth be told, that decision was made the second i decided to trust my thoughts and those two weeks were there for me to look better. Who wants to go around saying you broke up with your one year long boyfriend because of a three day overthinking spree? no one. but change it to two weeks of long hard thinking? sounds a lot better, right? And so two weeks later i called you, gave a whole speech, and hung up. I gave you no chances to talk or process i just spit it all out and moved on.
Honestly if i remember correctly all you got to say throughout a whole six-something minute long call was “hi” and “wait-” before i hung up. Why? because i didn’t want to deal with it. i didn’t want to try and talk it over. i just wanted to be through with it. i didn’t even try. So, three days of overthinking, 365 days of wasted love, 14 days of waiting, 6 minutes of talking, and it was over. all of it gone. And no regret either.
For four months i sat here and i told myself i did the right thing. i said that i needed this and i shouldn’t feel sorry for putting me first. But that’s the thing, there’s a difference between putting yourself first and deeming yourself superior over others. Small difference between the two but it’s there. That night i thought i was taking a weight off of my shoulders, giving myself a break from one of my big stress sources. But really i was taking the easy way out of a complicated thing and hurting you to do so.
The thing that gets me though, is that we spent nine months by each others side every day. we spent nine months talking to, caring for, and loving each other. we spent nine goddamn months in love. And yet the second after i broke up with you and you asked me to stay a while so you wouldn’t fall into your pain, with no hesitation i bailed. Pulled out an excuse of ‘oh i cant right now, sorry’. But once again i just didn’t want to have to deal with it. have to deal with you. i was done. i left you there, wallowing in pain, while i happily scrolled through instagram seeing what was new with everyone. simply forgetting that such a big thing happened minutes after it did because i didn’t care.
Now whether it be that i never cared, my thoughts put me into overdrive, or I’ve just become so numb that it didn’t affect me, i don’t know. But one way or the other you got punched in the face by the person who swore to love and protect you and i walked away as if none of it happened. It wasn’t until four months later that i finally realized what i did. what i actually put you through for my own benefit. what kind of person i really am. That night we both switched from each others favorite and most important person in the world to bottom list haven’t talked in months.
Rightfully so, i mean if i was you i would hate me too. honestly, i’m me and i hate me for it. But what can you do you know? something that broken cant really be fixed. Plus after months of ignoring it, it can be hard to bring up the topic. So, knowing you won’t listen and i don’t deserve to be listened too, i am on this website writing you a letter no one will ever read. Because even if you never know it, i am sorry.
I’m sorry you knew me in the first place. i’m sorry i forced you to help me through all my worthless bullshit. i’m sorry i left when you needed me most. i’m sorry i never told you how good of a boyfriend you were, or how good of a person you are. i’m sorry i never checked up on you to make sure you were okay. i’m sorry i left without thinking. i’m sorry that i never tried. i’m sorry i gave you one more person in this world to hate. i’m sorry i acted like nothing happened. i’m sorry i wasn’t the girl you were meant to be with. i’m sorry i made you afraid of relationships because you have only ever gotten hurt. i’m sorry that i never said sorry and you still forgave me. i’m sorry that i wasn’t your forever even if you spent years saying i was. i’m sorry you ever loved someone like me. i’m sorry i never let you know how amazing you are or how cute your smile is. i’m sorry i put myself first when i deserved it the least. i’m sorry i did this to you. i’m sorry i can’t take it back. i’m sorry that saying sorry means nothing. i’m sorry that i needed to write this in the first place. i’m sorry we didn’t get the future we wanted. i’m sorry that i still couldn’t say this to your face even after all this time and regret. i’m sorry, e. you deserve better and no matter how much i want it to be me it never will. i’m not good for anyone but i’m sorry it was you i had to hurt to see that. i love you. i always will. and in my dreams maybe i will be your forever, if you’ll let me.